Auckland's Waiheke Island is being plagued with mysterious sausages in mailboxes, and it's wreaking havoc.
Waihekians just want it to stop. Friends and even celebrities are being accused. Everyone now holds suspicious glances. The very social fabric holding the island community together is slowly, but surely, falling apart.
“You never know when the strike will happen but when it does, everyone gets struck,” Jacob Coetzee told Stuff. “It’s traumatic. Nobodies’ letterboxes are safe.”
Jacob was the first person to find a snag in his letterbox, back in the summer of 2022. He’s the first victim of the ‘serial sausager’ ravaging the luxurious island, but not the only.
“I sent a picture to my friend group and some of them had been sausaged as well. That’s when we realised we had a serial sausager on the island,” Coetzee said.
“It’s ripping us apart; we can’t trust one another … I’ve been accused, my brother’s been accused. It’s a witch hunt.”
The Mad Butcher himself, Sir Peter Leitch, was even accused. However, he claims innocence and I believe him - the mere thought of someone wasting snags like that is beyond his comprehension.
“I’m flabbergasted,” he also told Stuff, showing off a knighthood-worthy vocabulary. “Sausages aren’t cheap to make … who’s buying sausages just to put them in people’s letterboxes? Amazing.”
The accusations don’t end at Kiwi icons though, it goes much darker than that. Nico Baigent, a three-time sausage victim, accuses his own friend, Tamaoho Kii Keepa.
“When the first people got hit everyone had photos of the sausages; he claimed he’d got hit by The Sausager but didn't have a photo,” Nico told Stuff. “He’s also the only person in our chat group who doesn’t live in the suburb.”
Tamaoho said he was “hurt and betrayed” that his friend believes he is behind the meat mystery destroying the goodness of Waiheke.
With no leads to go off whatsoever, a psychologist, Dr Dougal Sutherland, suggested a theory that potentially cuts the suspect pool in half.
“Only a male would put a sausage in a letterbox. Freud would have a field day,” he told Stuff.
Hopefully this does not usher in a new saus-age of crime and in-fighting on the beautiful island of Waiheke.